


you're trying to hold the heart that can't be stored (now we’re hanging on by a heartbeat)

by possibilist



Series: Fool's Gold Carmilla HSAU Deleted Scenes [8]
Category: Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-23
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-03-08 18:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3218801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possibilist/pseuds/possibilist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fool's Gold Carmilla HSAU Chapter 14 Deleted Scenes, or LaFontaine is sad and broody at their sleepover, and Laura is confused and aggressively sad and broody about how to deal with feminism and really really caring about her best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're trying to hold the heart that can't be stored (now we’re hanging on by a heartbeat)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whatsthedamage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsthedamage/gifts).



> olivia & bianca ask me to do these for fun. i did not come up with hsau. i am not interjecting my own issues into these fics. i make no money from these. i do not encroach on the timeline nor advance the narrative. they tell me which scenes to put in. i add little details. the scenes are canon.

**you're trying to hold the heart that can't be stored (now we’re hanging on by a heartbeat)**

.

_say i tried to give my best before/ you wouldn't have the chance to give me more/ you’re only one step closer to the door/ everything that could have been/ could have been my anything, now everything's embarrassing_  
//

It’s funny, because Perry’s perfume and Perry’s hair and Perry’s sweet kiss when you get to her house  _should_ make you regret everything: JP, the empty mint case on your dresser, how you want more of them, how it’s getting easier and easier to lie—but no, you can handle those things; you know how to handle those things.

You dance a little to a mix of pop and jazz and rap and then a  _lot_ of Taylor Swift—Perry likes everything—while she’s making quesadillas, and you set the table, just because you can, and find a candle in the living room, light it, and set it in the middle. She laughs a little at you but slides two quesadillas onto your plates and you take the bowl of chips and salsa and sit down across the corner from her.

She holds your hand and you have the very strange and not entirely unexpected urge to pray—not to any sort of god, because, really, science isn’t a disputable thing for you; you just grew up with these kind of things, and, besides, giving thanks isn’t all bad.

She smiles at you quietly and doesn’t say anything, and you take a bite of your quesadilla—which is  _amazing_ as always—and it’s in that moment that you feel your heart sink in your chest, because you’re lying to her. About a lot of things.

“Perry,” you say, and she turns toward you, struggling to bite off a strand of cheese. 

“Hmm?”

“I’m thankful for you.”

She smiles gently, and you know she doesn’t know, but sometimes you wonder if she’s always a little wary, if she’s always a little relieved when you say things like that. “I’m thankful for you too, honey.”

“And—whatever happens,” you say, “we can make it work, you know. I get that—life isn’t always like we pictured and all of that shit.”

She laughs and nods.

“We’ll figure it out.”

She takes your hand again and squeezes it, and that kind of ends you, and you feel tears press at your eyes. She looks so concerned and  _really_ , you don’t deserve her care right now, but she’s Perry, so she gives it at all times. 

“I love you,” she says gently, and she doesn’t really know why you’re starting to cry, but your life is overwhelming, so much, and she probably understands at least that in a loose sense better than anyone.

“Love you too, babe.” 

You smile when she kisses your cheek, and you finish your quesadilla.

You watch a few movies and spend a significant amount of them kissing, but you’ve seen them a million times so you don’t care—you wouldn’t care even if you’d never seen them before though. 

Perry falls asleep first, curled against your chest, and you just spend a few minutes watching her in the flickering light from the television. It used to seem like you’d have your entire lives to be like this—easy, simple, so in love everything else fell away.

But everything else  _doesn’t_ fall away, and you’re getting old enough to realize that maybe being in love might not be enough.

But you tug her to bed and tangle up in the same way you’ve been doing forever, and  _might not be enough_ can wait.

//

You don’t know  _why_  it bothers you so much that Elsie and Carmilla are very adamantly talking about a band called FKA Twigs, whatever  _that_ means, but they’re  _laughing_ , and Elsie is pretty and cool and blonde and taller than Carmilla and for a split second you think about Carmilla having to stand on her tiptoes and kiss her, and it makes you very inexplicably  _angry_ , because Carmilla is just—she should be the taller one.

Which is funny, and you roll your eyes at yourself, because Carmilla is short, and you’re pretty sure she’s only taller than, like,  _you_. 

Which, really, hadn’t mattered too much in your dream, and you were definitely on top of her, so you’re pretty sure from that position you were taller, but sometimes she kisses you on the forehead, and she probably wouldn’t be able to do that with Elsie, which—that’s good, you think, that’s comforting.

Although, Elsie would be able to do that with Carmilla, which—whatever.

The thought of Elsie kissing Carmilla makes your stomach drop, because sometimes Carmilla has split lips, and then—how would they sleep together? Carmilla wouldn’t be able to take her clothes off, because Elsie can’t know, but—with you, she would be able to, which isn’t an issue because you don’t want to have sex with her in real conscious life, no matter what that forum on the internet said sometimes, and you don’t  _like-_ like her, but—if Carmilla’s going to have sex, it should be with someone who wants to protect her, who actually knows her.

But, you know—that’s not really true all the time. Maybe Carmilla doesn’t really date—she doesn’t have a girlfriend, or at least  _yet_ —and maybe Carmilla has casual sex. She spends a lot of time with you, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t sleep with girls when she’s not. She said that she tries not to stay at home on weekends anyway, and—she must spend them  _somewhere_ —and she knew how to apply a condom because of some  _hands on_ experience, apparently, which—whatever. 

You don’t  _want_ to think about anyone else touching Carmilla because, even though you  _know_ sex isn’t about some weird glorification of love, you just—she deserves to be loved.

And Elsie  _doesn’t_ , she doesn’t even  _know_ Carmilla. And sure, she’d probably be consensual—you’d  _kill_ her if she wasn’t—and you  _know_ that everyone should be able to express their sexuality in those ways, but still.

You sigh, because they’re laughing. And Carmilla seems to be enjoying herself, and you should be supportive of a relationship for her if it’s something she wants. 

Sex dream or not, you’re her best friend.

But you kind of want her spending nights in your bed, and you kind of want to always hold her, and it’s not like you  _haven’t_ thought—kind of a lot—about kissing her, and you just want her to feel cared for. More than anything in the whole world, probably, you want her to feel safe.

Because no one else does that but you.

Maybe Elsie—cool, tall, thin Elsie—would.

That might be something you can live with.

And then Carmilla looks over at you and you offer her a smile and—maybe not.

**Author's Note:**

> check out carmilla's hsau, fool's gold, on ao3 or tumblr. track the tag [#carmilla hsau] for general updates, fanart, answered asks, & lots of other cool stuff. bianca's tumblr is felixdawkins; olivia's is turnandchasethewind.
> 
> new fool's gold chapters are posted every tuesday & thursday at 5-6 pm EST.  
> deleted scenes for every chapter are released every wednesday & friday at 8-10 am EST.


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